See

 

Look at me

Let me see

You

Only you

Show me who you are

Every beautiful scar

I’ll keep my eyes soft

And my hands, too

Just whisper your words and be free

You have an ally in me

Snapped

You've heard the stories about women who reach their breaking point with someone close to them. In the heat of the moment they do something they'll later regret. They suffer the consequences of their actions the rest of the life. And when asked why or how could they do it they respond "I don't know what happened. I just snapped!"

 I am just like those women. Except I have no regrets. I am proud to say I did it. It had to be done. She became my enemy and I was left no choice but to take her down. She bullied me. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. She abused me in ways I didn't think were possible from one human to another. Beat me until I felt helpless and hopeless. There's only so much torture one can take before reaching her breaking point. I can't tell you all the details. I don't know what happened. I just snapped!

 Before you go looking for my face on America's Most Wanted, please note that the "she" I'm referring to is myself. Well not the self that is writing this, but the self that has been mean to me for far too long. The one that has given me a case of the "not enoughs". You probably have one of your own. She would say that I wasn't skinny enough. Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not spiritual enough. Not curvy enough. Not gentle enough. Not woman enough. You know her type right? She takes all the negative the world has to offer and multiplies it. Made worse by the fact that she went home with me every night. Laid down with me. Woke up with me.

 I'm not sure when it happened. Not sure of the exact date that I killed her and her lies. Perhaps it was gradual. Maybe all at once. A click. Or flip of the switch of sorts. But I've since realized that the only thing I've not been enough of is ME. I'm worth my own love and respect. Admiration. Confidence. Self worth. Worth being me. I'm worth all the things she told me I wasn't. So you see, she had to go. I had to cut her out of my life. Permanently. I kicked the negative committee that was meeting in my head straight to the curb. I'm not looking back to see how they're doing either. Ain't nobody got time fa dat! There's someone new. She's amazing. She loves me. She showers me with words of praise and adoration. She tells me the truth...that I am more than enough.

 I can not pinpoint the catalyst that changed my mind, causing me to snap. Perhaps it was the numerous blogs I've read from women who've struggled with the same insecurities but have chosen to defeat every last one of them. Maybe it was all the preaching I've done to friends encouraging them to look at themselves objectively as they do others (how I hate to not practice what I preach). Could have been the example set by my beautiful belly dance teacher showing me that's it's okay to love and accept yourself and when you do others will follow suit. I'm sure the the realization that I had been effortlessly walking at least two miles a day twice a week (a leaps and bounds type miracle for my somewhat lazy self) helped to embolden me. Whatever the cause, the effect feels amazing. I hate I didn't snap sooner. Oh well, there's no stopping me now. I will continue to allow positive outside influences into my life as I foster the new voice growing inside me. I will gladly live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life.

 "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung

 I'm wide awake, lovelies. Are you?!

Conquerors...

Invincible you

And Invincible me, too

With your hand in mine

Words

   Words left unspoken

Lie bitterly on the tongue

Vomit or Swallow

Water...

Water from heaven
Will your snow freeze Earth’s lovers,

Or drown those who wait?

Someday

 

I remember still

Tiny fingers between mine

Someday you’ll return

The Tie That Binds

 

Love, not blood, we share

For it’s not the tie that binds

You’ll be always mine

Carpe Diem!

 

 

Eager feet rush forth

Greeting Possibility

And Seizing its spoils

Wanderlust

Anonymity

Among millions

Unfamiliar spaces

Vanishing into the faces

A new heat, a new tongue

New greetings, time is fleeting

Seven sleeps of restless slumber

Eye spy at every corner

Retracing the paths of our fathers and Time

Sharing the faire of generations gone by

Of the Philosophers, Prophets, Poets, and Kings

They all have walked where I walk, seen what I see

Stood in the wonderment in being so small…

Such is my lust to wander it all

Pick Your Poison

Questions mark every turn

Encrypting answers I’ll never learn

You’ve sealed your lips and tossed the key

Ensuring the fate of this mystery

No facts to reason, only suspicion and surmise

Not even the satisfaction of searching your eyes

Love or lust, or merely illusion?

I’m left only with these two conclusions:

“Cruel Truth” or “Beautiful Denial?”

I drank the poison of the latter vial

Its pleasure was smooth, and went down sweet

Empowering promises, and drowning deceit

Foregoing all, overcoming resistance

Withstanding time, surpassing the distance

Trust unbroken, and lies untold

Unprecedented Love, none other so bold

For a moment the tonic quenched my thirst

Until my heart was tempted by the call of the first

With hunger and greed, I swallowed it down

And in the bitterness the truth was found

A thief and a liar with a plot and a ploy

A silver-tongued serpent made me his toy

Falsified Love, and justified pain

A means to your end, I’ll always remain

Debasing history, and forsaking the hallowed

I wasn’t the first to swing from your gallows

This perjury’s depth only time will reveal

But for now the fate of old friends has been sealed

Lemons ...or Lemonade?

So occasionally I find myself drifting off down memory lane and reliving the stories that make me who I am today. These memories are always filled with priceless places and faces that I've encountered over the years; and every face and every place has its own story. Select few have been trusted with the recounting of these tales, but in every retelling the same questions are asked. In order for a new audience to comprehend the details, they must first understand the characters involved...and each character has a tale of its own. So we delve deeper. "Who was Susie? Well, she was like a sister to me." or "Sam? Oh, that was my beagle. He was my best friend." We tell the tales of childhood friends, beloved pets, and first loves. We smile in remembrance of first kisses, and sugar coat the lingering resentment of heart break. We revel in the bittersweet haze that's called the freshman year of college...the bitterness of leaving behind the old and the sweetness of embracing the new. We name names and sometimes reveal the most intimate pieces of ourselves. Some names lay bitter on the tongue; while others are as sweet as southern iced tea.  Lemons...and lemonade. And I wonder which one I have been?  It is this thought that sticks with me today. As many souls that have crossed paths with mine...I, too, have crossed the paths of others. What part did I play in the story of their lives? Did I scar as many hearts as have scarred mine? Have I handled them as gently as I should have...as I could have? Is my name the one they force acidly from their mouths? Or does the memory of me find favor? Lemons....or lemonade? We all have our stories...I can only strive to write a better one... and hope to bring a smile in the retelling of my tale.

Truth

I wrote this on behalf of a friend who lost someone very special. Sometimes it is hard to articulate what we feel when forced to live life without those closest to us. I hope that I have said what you could not say and that you receive healing as the words flow from my heart to yours...

It may look as though my mind is blank, but the truth is I'm thinking of you.

The truth is that no one really knows how I feel.
The pain I sometimes hide is at best unbearable
and at worst, torture... yet I continue to smile.

Others can't deal with the truth that is in my heart: the truth of the guilt and the shame that I hold as near to me as my next breath, the hurt that goes to bed with me like a scorned lover. They do not know the truth. They cannot comprehend it.

So I keep it to myself. I greet it in the morning with every rising sun. I stare into the eyes of its darkness when I awaken from my sleep with silent screams. It has become part of me. My cloak.
The heaviest garment I have ever worn.
If only there was someone who could share this burden, who could help me carry this load. I'm afraid there is not.

So I bear it. I live...
and breathe...
and move under affliction's control. I loathe this thing. I want to be free.

There is only one way to rid myself of this torment [forgive yourself, I hear you whisper], I know, but part of me needs that security.
It's the only thing that keeps me alive...the only thing that reminds me I can still feel...the only thing I have to remind me of you.
The truth is... I never got to say goodbye
and THAT is by far the worst truth known to man.