Snapped

You've heard the stories about women who reach their breaking point with someone close to them. In the heat of the moment they do something they'll later regret. They suffer the consequences of their actions the rest of the life. And when asked why or how could they do it they respond "I don't know what happened. I just snapped!"

 I am just like those women. Except I have no regrets. I am proud to say I did it. It had to be done. She became my enemy and I was left no choice but to take her down. She bullied me. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. She abused me in ways I didn't think were possible from one human to another. Beat me until I felt helpless and hopeless. There's only so much torture one can take before reaching her breaking point. I can't tell you all the details. I don't know what happened. I just snapped!

 Before you go looking for my face on America's Most Wanted, please note that the "she" I'm referring to is myself. Well not the self that is writing this, but the self that has been mean to me for far too long. The one that has given me a case of the "not enoughs". You probably have one of your own. She would say that I wasn't skinny enough. Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not spiritual enough. Not curvy enough. Not gentle enough. Not woman enough. You know her type right? She takes all the negative the world has to offer and multiplies it. Made worse by the fact that she went home with me every night. Laid down with me. Woke up with me.

 I'm not sure when it happened. Not sure of the exact date that I killed her and her lies. Perhaps it was gradual. Maybe all at once. A click. Or flip of the switch of sorts. But I've since realized that the only thing I've not been enough of is ME. I'm worth my own love and respect. Admiration. Confidence. Self worth. Worth being me. I'm worth all the things she told me I wasn't. So you see, she had to go. I had to cut her out of my life. Permanently. I kicked the negative committee that was meeting in my head straight to the curb. I'm not looking back to see how they're doing either. Ain't nobody got time fa dat! There's someone new. She's amazing. She loves me. She showers me with words of praise and adoration. She tells me the truth...that I am more than enough.

 I can not pinpoint the catalyst that changed my mind, causing me to snap. Perhaps it was the numerous blogs I've read from women who've struggled with the same insecurities but have chosen to defeat every last one of them. Maybe it was all the preaching I've done to friends encouraging them to look at themselves objectively as they do others (how I hate to not practice what I preach). Could have been the example set by my beautiful belly dance teacher showing me that's it's okay to love and accept yourself and when you do others will follow suit. I'm sure the the realization that I had been effortlessly walking at least two miles a day twice a week (a leaps and bounds type miracle for my somewhat lazy self) helped to embolden me. Whatever the cause, the effect feels amazing. I hate I didn't snap sooner. Oh well, there's no stopping me now. I will continue to allow positive outside influences into my life as I foster the new voice growing inside me. I will gladly live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life.

 "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung

 I'm wide awake, lovelies. Are you?!